A little venting

Lets face it here.....I'm having a really hard time. I can't pretend like I'm not. I cant lie and say I'm doing great. I can't smile without wanting to break down at the same time. I just do my best to not let it show. It's not that I want to go back to the way things were, I know this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. People say time heals all things, and I do agree with that. But at the same time it seems like this process is getting harder and harder to deal with everyday. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to do this.

I am frightened, frightened to death of losing my little girl. I hate fighting over her but its reached that point. And I will literally fight to the death for her, life without her now just wouldn't make sense. We have spent every single day together since the day she was born and I dont think its fair that it should change now. No....I am not the greatest mom/person in the world. I've made many mistakes and made very poor choices but I am trying my best to learn from them and grow into a better mother and person. I hate that my bad decisions are being held against me. And to those people I've offended or made mad in any way I truly am sorry, I want to start over now. I want to be better, and I WILL be. I know Tayzli deserves the best, she deserves someone to look up to, and someone she can always count on. I do believe I have the potential to be that person for her. And I will do everything in my power to strive to be that for her at all times. Like I said in the post before I believe in her having a good relationship with both parents, I could go on and on about things Jori has done and why I dont like him but its a waste of time and energy. I dont need to prove things that clearly just dont matter. What matters to me and is important is Tayzli and that she is getting the very best of every little thing, every second of her life. I don't want to take her from him one bit. He deserves time with her....she needs her dad. Why is it that just because our split is going to be "official" should I all of a sudden have to give her up? Give her up to someone that hasn't given more than one day a months effort to be with her? So many things are going through my head, I feel like I've done everything for Tayzli and now I have to fight to keep her. I'm just frustrated. I don't know what to do. I hate going through this and I give props to all single mothers and fathers out there. People tell me it gets easier and I hope and pray it does. Having this happen gives me a giant shove and is showing me that its time to change my ways. That's exactly what I am going to do. So expect a good change in me;)

Time

Time goes by so fast!! Of course there are those days that I thought would never end, but it really does blow my mind how fast time comes and goes. I've been thinking a lot lately about time, and how I've taken for granted the time I have been able to spend with Tayzli. I hear all these horror stories about parents losing their child/ren and it scares me to death. I know I could not live without my little girl. She is the reason I wake up every morning and want to be better. I know I need to be more thankful for such a healthy little girl. Another thing I've thought about is how much more I need to blog about her and take SO many more pictures. You can never have enough pictures.

Something I have really been struggling with going through this divorce is Tayzli. Its hard. Knowing the life she will have having to go back and fourth all the time. As much as people like to talk and make up stories I truly do believe in Tayzli having both Jori and I in her life. I have never EVER tried keeping her from him. And I never will. I'm not that crazy mother that keeps her child from seeing her own dad. As much as I would love to keep her to myself 24/7 I think Tayzli's relationship with her dad is just as important as my relationship with her. And I need to let that out because I am so sick of people saying untrue things. I dont agree with things Jori does, just as much as he doesnt agree with things that I do. But I have nothing bad to say about him....especially not in front of Tayz. What is important is that we get along for her. She doesn't need the drama of our relationship to effect her in any way shape or form. So you know who you are, enough with the negative drama. Tayzli IS jori's daughter and its ridiculous to still joke about stupid crap like that because it effects Tayzli more than it does me. Obviously Im beyond the point of caring what you guys say about me, but just realize what it does to her. I dont say anything about Jori to Tayz besides letting her know he loves her and that he is her daddy and always will be. Just think about what really matters, thats all im asking.

Alright so i've been looking back old pictures....Tayzer has changed so much!!

SUCH A CUTIE, RIGHT? I miss the baby stage...its so much easier taking care of a baby that cant move, that totally depends on me to do everything for her.

I compare these pictures and I wonder where in the world time went. When did my baby get so big? Why is she growing up so fast? Where is the pause button? I love her with everything I have. I would do anything for her, and will fight for her in any and every situation. Im so blessed to be able to have her in my life! She has helped me grow as a person and taught me so much about life.

I thought about having to raise Tayzli on my own and realized I couldn't do it. And luckily to a certain extent I dont have to....I have the help from AMAZING friends and family that help me every single day. Even without them knowing they help me, they do. I know I keep saying this but I really have SO much to be thankful for!!!!

Life as we know it

I'm very determined to keep up with my blogging, I want to be able to look back at things and remember how I felt. So here I go again with another post;)

Alright so dont get too freaked out by all these pictures because im only in a bikini...some people really dont understand this type of competition but i love it and im officially addicted!

Life for me has been NONSTOP, I work a night shift as a cna from 10pm-7am so I dont have to pay for a daycare for tayzli, I just recently competed in a fitness show(more details to come) so I was going to the gym 2-3 times a day for 2 hours on average each time. AND I am a full time mom....i'd like to say im pretty darn busy! But I wouldnt have it any other way, its helped me cope with a lot of my stress. I dont have time for any drama or negative things or people in my life.

 Now speaking of NO drama or negative people I have to brag about the new friends I've made along the way...
AmberLynne Palmer- she literally is the best! I've never met someone who has so much positive energy! She is always willing to lend a hand whenever and to whoever. She made  my competition experience so much easier and less stressful. Just being able to see her pretty smile calmed my nerves! And being able to have someone at the gym to do our crazy cardio workouts also made it easier. I love the way she can and WILL turn anyones bad day into a good one just by being around her. What an amazing chicka!

Jake Motloch- Well he is defitely no new friend. He's always been there for me, but we seem to be closer than we have ever been. I love that I can tell this kid anything and everything(and i do) His friendship means the world to me, and even when hes clear across the country for work he still proves that he will always be there for me. Love ya Jake!

Buck Mouser- Another new friend, what an awesome guy!! All I have to say is thank goodness for him. Seriously, he went through a rough divorce and has three kids....he has been so much help to me. Talking to him about my situation has been the best thing for me because there was a time I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else about it. But he understood. He makes me feel like I am the most important thing on this planet, and the patience, belief and support he has for me is incredible. I appreciate him for being the shoulder to cry on, and the punching bag to take my anger out on. ;) Thanks Buck<3

Cassy Freeman- Everything that I've accomplished the last few months is because of her. She deserves all the credit. I look up to her, she motivates me, inspires me, and also is an amazing friend to me. Without her I wouldn't have been able to compete. She is the reason I look the way I do, and the reason I feel the way I feel. Just being around her can put anyone in a better mood. I love you to pieces Cassy!

Mom- Where do I even start? I am almost speechless when it comes to you because there is a never-ending list of why I'm grateful for you and why I love you. I remember in highschool I told you to stop trying to be my friend and be my mom....well here I am telling you I was wrong. You are both. You are the greatest best friend. And and incredible mother. How lucky am I to have that kind of relationship with my mom? Thanks for always believing in me!

Emma Hughes- I couldn't forget about her. She's closer than family. I love how we can live 5 hours away from each other and still be as close as we are, its definitely hard not being able to text her and tell her to come over and she would be here in 5 minutes but its a feeling of knowing we always have each others backs. That we are there for each other emotionally, not just physically. We can go a couple days without talking and it doesnt effect our relationship, because the next time we talk or get together its like nothing has changed. Ever since we were little we knew we would always be best friends.

Back to the competition....I recently competed in the 2011 Flex Fitness Competition in Twin Falls Oct 8th and NGA Northwest Natural Fall Show Oct 15. And can I just say it is SOOO much fun!! Being backstage with 50 gorgeous girls is probably the most intimidating feeling in the world, but there is no better feeling once you can hit that stage and just strut your stuff. The judges will either love you or hate you so you gotta just be yourself. This was hard for me because im such a perfectionist that I wanted to correct every little thing that the judges didnt like but then I realized I gotta be me. I placed 3rd in both competitions and I am more than satisfied with that, coming into this I did not expect to even make top five at either of these so yes, pat my own back, i'm proud of myself. At the twin falls show I was the only first time competitor to make it into top 5, and obviously, the only first time competitior to make top 3! I am still so excited about it but plan on making some improvements and coming back even stronger to compete again this spring! Thanks to everyone who came to support me, and even those who couldnt make it...it meant so much to me having the support from back home. Everyone at the gym makes me feel so good! Love you all and thanks again........now i'll stop ranting and you can enjoy some pics;)

just the two of us

As most of you already know, or have heard, and as awkward as it is to publicly post something like this.....Jori and I have decided to get a divorce. Its been really hard. Never in my life have I had sooo many mixed emotions. Ive felt alone, and I've also felt more love and support from amazing people in my life. I feel like I was going through some type of depression for a while there, I didn't want to do anything, be around anyone, and wouldn't talk to anyone. I was alone and needed to deal with it. Then finally one day I realized that this was NOT the life i wanted for me, and not for Tayzli. I stopped feeling bad for myself and wanted to look forward instead of looking back. Although its still not easy to deal with every day....it gets easier. And although im not happy.....im happier. Being a single mother is difficult but Ive been blessed with incredible parents that have helped me more than i can even express. I love all my friends and family and hope you all know how appreciative I am of each one of you. Just saying hi to me one day honestly is what I needed sometimes. I'm a lucky girl....and its time i start acting like it ;)

Tayzli is now 15 months old. Can you believe it? I know i cant! She is so much fun and I LOOOVE being her mommy! Life without her is no life at all. We are doing our best to live life to the fullest, I know its a process, it just takes time. I can be indepent, I can do this! Just gotta keep reminding myself!

LIFE IS CRAZY

It's so true....LIFE IS CRAZY! Sometimes it gets so hard you want to give up. Give up on everyone, and everything. So I think its time for me to blog about what's been happening in my crazy life.

Most people know we have been traveling A LOT since we've been married and I don't just mean Utah to Colorado and now in Nevada, I mean the moves in-between. We have not been stable anywhere for longer than 3 months since we've been married. Is it because of Jori's job that is making us travel so much? No, it isn't that at all. I mean honestly his job has only made us move three times and that's not bad at all considering its a sales job. I used to blame Jori for our moving situation...which caused unnecessary fights, which then caused me to just leave and go back to Idaho where my family and friends were. I left numerous times since we have been married thinking I wanted to quit, that it wasn't worth the fight.

Anyway, things happened in between and we have had plenty of other problems that got in the way of our marriage. One incident that took us over the edge while we were in Durango made us both realize we didn't want to try and work out our marriage anymore. We were done and ready for divorce. We were separated (which wasn't new, it seemed like we were always separated) This time was the first time it was "for real" we had never been so sure that we wanted to end it. We talked about what each other wanted(vehicles, furniture, time with tayzli, etc..) We never did that before. It was hard to believe we were really going to go through with divorce, but at the time I figured its what we both wanted and needed.

After a while Jori decided he was going to bring the car to Idaho from Colorado because it was hard for me with tazyli not having a car to get around in. When he got to Idaho we talked and came to the conclusion that we were NOT going to quit. We talked about conseling and other things we both needed to do in order to make the marriage work, and actually follow through with those things. Not go right back to our old ways. And lets just say it was the biggest relief to know that I wasn't going to have to be a single mother. Not that I couldn't do it, deep down I just never want to do that.

Well before I knew we were going to get back together, I had already planned on taking a CNA course so Jori left and I moved to Utah and lived with my amazing sister Courtney, her husband Jeff and their adorable kids, Raelei, Adler, and Kanden. I'm so grateful to them for being so understanding and taking me in the way they did.
To make a long story short...I finished my CNA course and now WE are in Las Vegas, yes the three of us are together again!!!

I seriously could not be happier with my decision to be with Jori again, I know there are people very disappointed in me right now but I hope they can see where I'm coming from and will someday be willing to forgive me. Especially Mom and Dad....I know you want whats best for me, all you want is to see me happy! Jori is what makes me happy, and being together as a family makes me happy. You two have always bent over backwards for me and I couldn't be more grateful for that. You've always given me everything I've ever ask for, and plenty more! So thats why I hope you will eventually want to support my decision and be in mine and especially in tayzli's life again. We all love you and miss you so much!!

When I talked to Jori's mom a few weeks ago there is something she said to me that has really stuck with me. She told me how there has been plenty of times where she could have just walked away from her marriage...but shes not a quitter. I realized I wanted to have that same attitude. Things get really hard sometimes but if they are fixable problems then why not try? Thank you Jana for the support and not being biased whenever we would talk! I heard sooo many people tell me not to take the easy way out(meaning go back with jori because it was easier) but what they didnt realize when they said that I was thinking just the opposite. NOT trying and giving up would be the easy way out. I want to at least say I tried my hardest and did whatever I could to make it work....because I haven't done that until now.

If there is one main thing I learned from this ..I learned that I still have TONS of growing up to do. Although I have grown so much in the last year, there is still plenty of growing up and learning that I have to do. I'm just glad I get to do that with my best friend.

Well shoot...now that I got all of that out why dont I tell you about some more things that aren't so depressing? ;)

Yesterday (Sunday March 6th) Jori got tickets to the NASCAR race here in Vegas. I have only been here a few days so I was excited to get out and do something fun!!

I can't exactly say I was WAY excited when Jori said NASCAR race. Its almost like him asking me if I wanted to go watch him golf or something......boring! But I have to admitt that we had such a fun time!!

I didnt even understand anything about nascar racing....just thought whoever went around the track first won, which technically is true but there are rules I didnt know existed. It was a fun experience and I'm glad I went. We are planning on going to the one in Phoenix and we want Jana and Dula to come with us!!!!

Christmas 2010

First of all I just want to say that I can't believe how fast Christmas comes and goes. Tayzli is over 5 months old already! When we got to Idaho she got really sick and hasn't been able to sleep as much, which I shouldn't complain because before she got sick she went to bed at 8 and didn't wake up once until 8 the next morning. Amazing, right? Her bed time is still 8 but she wakes up once and wants to stay awake at 7:30. Once again, I shouldn't be complaining huh? Jori's mom(Jana) told me she thinks she is teething. I was shocked because I didnt think she would start to get her teeth for a while. But it makes sense. Tayzli is teething...at five months old!

this was Christmas morning, opening all of Tayzli's presents.

She didn't care too much about any of it. haha My cousin dustin drew our name for Christmas and got us all matching Texas Longhorn tops. Jori fell in love! haha Thanks Dustin!!

We have had so much fun being here in Idaho, especially being able to spend the holidays with both of our families. We are lucky to have such amazing people in our lives.

little models

Erin let me know before I came to Idaho that she wanted to get pictures done of the three Inns grandbabies and wanted to make sure it was okay with me. I had totally forgot about it until she reminded me that we needed to go shopping to get some matching clothes for the three of them. So Jana Erin me Tayz and Lex all went shopping(which was a blast).I was so excited to get these done especially when she told me Heidi Davenport was going to take them!! I absolutely love her as a person and as a photographer. She took some family pictures of me jori and tayz before we went to Colorado, and she is taking my families pictures this thursday and I can't wait. She is amazing, to say the least.

You can say i'm a little biased when I say she is by far the cutest thing ever!! But i'm her mom, I think im allowed to say that ;) Most babies all look just alike..and thats what I love is different with Tayz...she's very unique. She has the darker skin, hair, and dark blue eyes. Her eyes definitely aren't as cute as Lexxi and Creed's eyes. But it isnt possible to have eyes prettier than theirs. The Inns babies are our little models.