everything will be okay

At times...I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to get ready, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be around anyone, I just want to hide away from everyone and everything. Letting go of someone you once thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is really hard. The thought of what I wish we could have been runs through my head daily. I know that's not what I should be doing, but i can't help it. I know its not about what could have been because thats not reality. Together was not what we thought it would be nor what we wanted it to be. People say we will both be happier and its just the right thing to do... but its hard to see myself being truly happy again. I do tell myself these things....."I'll be happier when its all done and over with," "I know its the right thing for all of us" but do i really feel that way? I dont know that I'll be happier, I just hope that I will be. All I can say is that everything will be okay for tayzli and I. Life will work out and I will try to live my life to the fullest no matter what is going on.

 I realize I am overly dramatic with my blogging lately. There are a lot worse things that could be happening in my life. People go through this every single day. When I blog, is when I'm at my worst. Im really not miserable every second of the day. I'm doing okay, just struggling. I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I know that. I just like to let out my feelings, I used to hold them in too long and realized it was bad because I would let it all build up inside me until i'd just lose it. Well let me tell you right now, I am NOT going to lose it. I have so much going for me if i can keep it together.

Love this quote. I know I'm a strong person, I just have weak moments. I know I need to stop listening to the opinion of others and not let it bother me. Everyone struggles, everyone is going through somethinig and I know even I need to remind myself of this. Dont judge people because you really dont know what they are going through. I think we need to all reach out to someone, surround yourself with happy people. Be with people that are going to bring out the positive in your life and be a good influence to you. And in return....be that good influence on someone. Be someone's positive energy in their life. We all need it.

loving, learning, and growing...

Lately I feel like i've been extremely biploar, one second im thankful for everything I have and the next i'm wondering why me? Why is all of this happening to me? I'm trying. I really am. One minute I feel like I have so much support from everyone, and the next I feel alone.

 With the holidays coming I can't help but just feel down...thinking back to last year at this time I felt like i was at the top of the world, I had it all....well...all i needed, a happy little family. Sometimes its all i want, I just want to go back to that. And to know the reason things are different is my fault. I could have prevented all of this, but i didnt. and i cant go back.

 There is always, always time for a person to grow and learn. And I will be the first to admitt I have so so so much to learn in this life. And each and every day I learn something from this precious face...

I've learned that the mistakes i've made cannot be taken back, but that i seriously need to use them. Use them to my advantage as a tool , a reminder that that is NOT me. That I will not let my mistakes define me. That I have so much to prove to people. I am not who people make me out to be. I am better every single day.

Learn from your mistakes. This sentence gets abused in my opinion, how do you really learn from your mistakes? By just not doing them again?....I dont think so. I dont believe by avoiding a problem you've made in your life is the way to learn. You have to face it. Face your problems, own up to what you've done, and CHANGE it. Dont hide from it. And yes, its easier said than done, im learning that too.

I apologize for being so depressing in my posts lately but it helps me. I need to not let it stay bottled up inside me, because i'm better at expressing my feelings when I can write/type it than going and telling someone and bawling my eyes out. Plus I think im still in that stage where I hide how I really feel. I dont want people to know im hurting. Its awkward. And I dont like that kind of attention from people. So anyways......

One of my best friends from highschool had her baby the other day and I can't explain the excitement I had for her. I could not get to the hospital fast enough! Ada Mae McFadden, how precious is she right?

........then the feelings of having tayzli came back...memories....it all hit me so hard. As i left the hospital I felt sick. I could barely walk. I went home and (though i also had the stomach flu) I cried all night. I miss this. Being alone is hard. And I'm jealous of the happy families and the new additions they are bringing to the world, but I am so happy for all of you dont get me wrong. You all deserve it. So congratulations if i haven't told you already.

THANK YOU!

How ironic is it that lately I cant help but think of all the things I am thankful for and Thanksgiving is just around the corner? Its sad that I seem to do this more around Thanksgiving, I realize I need to be thankful for everything I have, all year round!

I love this quote. It really made me think. . Things are still crazy for me. And the main reason for this post was to say thank you to all of YOU!!! I'm serious.... the messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails i've received just to let me know you are there for me and all the other things said that I dont even feel like I deserve has helped me so much. You really dont know what it means to me. Some of those little things are what get me through the day, especially when I'm having a really bad day...I can honestly read something one of you wrote me and I am reminded how lucky I am to have amazing people in my life. I know I haven't written any of you back but I hope you know that your words did NOT go un-noticed. Its almost overwhelming, I didn't even realize I had so many people that care for and love me. It's the most comforting feeling knowing I have you all there for me through this rough patch in my life. Seriously, Thank you all so much.