Monday, March 12, 2012

Tayzli Kamiko Inns

Man, i love this little human being so dang much! It's hard to think about what my life was once like without her, and shes only been in my life for 20 months.....CRAAAZY! Tayzli has always had such a big her dad. I've realized how important it is to watch what i say and do around her now, she is a smarty pants now and tries to be like more like me every single day.
I just wanted to make a little list of things she has been saying and doing for myself to look back on and for close friends and family that like to stay updated.

-Tayzli hits herself on the head and says "DUHH"
-She also hits other people on the head saying "DUHH" which im trying to get her to stop doing by the way.
-She loves saying bye! she will repeatedly say it over and over and over whenever someone leaves, or when we leave somewhere.
-Her response to i love you, or i miss BYE! haha
-With my work schedule I need to get a nap in during the day so i can function through the night, she knows when im laying down to be quiet and she puts her finger to her mouth and goes SHHH! in a super quiet whisper voice. Then she will usually go down for a nap with me. very convenient for me.
-She LOOVES to talk on the phone, whenever i would be on my phone she would say daddy or dadda....I think she thought the phone was "dadda" but she now knows that its a phone and knows when she is talking TO "dadda" not ON ;) but now im having a hard time getting her off the phone. She finds my phone all the time and hands it to me and says "dad!!"
-It's actually kind of weird, whenever i am on the phone with Jori its almost as if she knows.....if im on the phone with anyone else she doesnt bother me to talk...but when its her daddy she is all over me trying to talk to him. It is pretty cute to see. She definitely loves her daddy.
-Tayzli now knows how to color....JOY! wiping the walls has not been one of my favorite things to do.
-She is an extremely good listener.
-She LOVES music, anytime she hears it she starts dancing or she gets this huge grin. I honestly think its because when i was pregnant all i ever did was listen to music.
- Tayz loves vegetables. LOVES them! especially green beens. Probably because i eat healthy now, so she likes to too. ;)
-loves singing songs, especially the itsy bitsy spider....yes, she does all the actions too.

There is so much more for me to write about that i just cant think of right now. Tayzli is by far, thee very best thing thats happened to me. I love that I get to be her mom... and i strive every day to be someone for her to look up to. Even though i feel like i look up to her more and more. She is the greatest little example to me, and my family. She has taught me patience and how to truly love.

Friday, December 02, 2011

love....its all we ever need

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no disease that enough love will not heal. No door that enough love will not makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world..♥
LOVE-  Jori and I may not have a lot in common or agree on anything anymore, but I know the one thing Jori and I can and will always share is the love we both have for our daughter. No matter what time it is, no matter what month it is, no matter where we are, doesn't matter if i have her, doesnt matter if he has her....we just love her. And this is something i can confidently say I can always offer to Tayzli, she is loved. I hope she never forgets it either.

I have a lot of time to just think about things while i'm at work, because i'm the only one whos their all night long. And last night was one of those nights where I just felt overwhelmed. Thinking about all the bad things that could go wrong for me in this divorce, all the what if's. The realization is finally settling in that this is really happening, we are finally going through with this.

As I'm thinking about it and over and over again in my head, wondering how im going to do this, i stop and think.....wait....I am doing this, I am doing this whole single mom thing. I'm stronger every single day and I really am going to be okay.

 I'll admitt, not every day is an okay day for me. I still fight the tears, but its good to cry sometimes. I still have to tell myself giving up is not the answer, all I have to do is look around me and see that life is still great. I'm surrounded by more good than bad.

God doesn't give you any trial you can't overcome, I've heard this from so many people lately. And I guess I just didn't take it serious before. Just took it as another one of those things that people like to say to make others feel better. But I do believe it. And it is something I tell myself every day now, when I think about the outcome of what happens with Tayzli I know that it will be okay for me. It might be hard, but i will get through this because i know i can.
I'm facing my problems, seeing how amazing it is to be able to own up to what i've done. Coming clean and being honest is one of the best feelings in the world. It's a relief. Its a million bricks off of my back that I've carried around for too long. I've stopped blaming others for the bad in my life. I'm understanding that the things that have gone wrong, the bad in my life were once in my control. I could have made things different for me. I chose this for myself. And I am the one who gets to suffer the consequences. That's life.

 I'm learning how to be a better person, a better friend, and a better mom. And I will strive to turn my life around for the better, prove that change in others is possible, show the people in my life how much I love them instead of take them for granted. No more looking down on a person....unless i'm looking down on them to help them up. 

Thursday, December 01, 2011

i cant get enough of you...♥

I feel like I've been doing a good job with my blogging, wouldn't you agree? At least I'm doing better than I thought, and i'm expressing myself in a way I didn't know I could either. And I plan to keep it up....keep all of you updated with all the craziness in my life;)
Ohhhhh yes....Tayzli got into my make-up. Mascara to be exact, but how can you get mad at a face like that? Especially because after she does something she knows she shouldnt she points her finger at me, gives me the puppy dog eyes, and says "no no ma!"
 This picture right here is exactly why  (even if i wanted to) I CANT keep tayzli from jori's family. Even after a little fighting and drama I can't talk myself into just ignoring them like everyone says I should. Believe me, there are those moments I want to be that psycho lady saying you cant have my child. I dont want to have to explain to tayzli in a few years (when she understands) why I didn't let her see Jori's family. I cant live with myself keeping her from them, and would never jepordize tayzli thinking bad things about me in the future because of it. But i admitt, most normal moms would avoid them like crazy,  but i guess im just not normal. I can actually talk to Jori's family, just not him. At least not yet.

 Surprisingly I did very well with letting Jori's family take Tayzli on Thanksgiving day for a few hours, especially knowing that its on my time. Because Jori no longer lives in Idaho, I actually dont know where he is. Or exactly when he left. No goodbye to Tayzli or anything. But I think Im handling it pretty well...and I think jori knows that the best thing is for him to move too. Its too small of a town to be dealing with all of this. I dont blame him for leaving, if i could just up and leave, i probably would too. i only wish i was getting a little help from him. But I guess we do what we've gotta do sometimes, right?
 Okay I have to admitt, she could pull this face a million times and I would still love it! I'm sure one day it will get old but for now im taking picutre after picture;) my gorgeous little tayzer face.

Right now I'm having a hard time leaving the house, not because I dont want to or becuase I'm not able to pretend to be having a good time. But because I am literally being watched by everyone. i feel like I can't have a conversation with a friend without someone saying im all of a sudden dating someone new, or I cant go to dinner without people judging me if i dont have tayzli with me. I caught someone taking a picture of me while I was at dinner with a group of friends. It embarrasses me to go out now. I feel like I can't trust anyone, I dont tell people things because I'm afraid of what they might say when I turn my back. People gossip, i realize this but somehow I need to realize that what other people say doesn't matter because only I know how it really is and what is really going on.

 Tayzli is my world and I love every second with her...but I get exhausted too. I need a little break sometimes too. And even if its to go on a drive through back roads, i'll do it. Even if its to go to the gym to run my butt off, i'll do it. You don't realize how easy it is to just be able to ask your husband/wife if they will watch the kids while you have "me time"

I have received quite a bit of negative things the last week or so, but I've also received SOO many positive words from people that I have come to the conclusion that I need to not focus on those negative things. Don't let the negative drown out the positive. I'm still here, I still have so much to be grateful for.

"a successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her..."

Friday, November 18, 2011

everything will be okay

At times...I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to get ready, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be around anyone, I just want to hide away from everyone and everything. Letting go of someone you once thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is really hard. The thought of what I wish we could have been runs through my head daily. I know that's not what I should be doing, but i can't help it. I know its not about what could have been because thats not reality. Together was not what we thought it would be nor what we wanted it to be. People say we will both be happier and its just the right thing to do... but its hard to see myself being truly happy again. I do tell myself these things....."I'll be happier when its all done and over with," "I know its the right thing for all of us" but do i really feel that way? I dont know that I'll be happier, I just hope that I will be. All I can say is that everything will be okay for tayzli and I. Life will work out and I will try to live my life to the fullest no matter what is going on.
 I realize I am overly dramatic with my blogging lately. There are a lot worse things that could be happening in my life. People go through this every single day. When I blog, is when I'm at my worst. Im really not miserable every second of the day. I'm doing okay, just struggling. I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I know that. I just like to let out my feelings, I used to hold them in too long and realized it was bad because I would let it all build up inside me until i'd just lose it. Well let me tell you right now, I am NOT going to lose it. I have so much going for me if i can keep it together.
Love this quote. I know I'm a strong person, I just have weak moments. I know I need to stop listening to the opinion of others and not let it bother me. Everyone struggles, everyone is going through somethinig and I know even I need to remind myself of this. Dont judge people because you really dont know what they are going through. I think we need to all reach out to someone, surround yourself with happy people. Be with people that are going to bring out the positive in your life and be a good influence to you. And in that good influence on someone. Be someone's positive energy in their life. We all need it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

loving, learning, and growing...

Lately I feel like i've been extremely biploar, one second im thankful for everything I have and the next i'm wondering why me? Why is all of this happening to me? I'm trying. I really am. One minute I feel like I have so much support from everyone, and the next I feel alone.

 With the holidays coming I can't help but just feel down...thinking back to last year at this time I felt like i was at the top of the world, I had it all....well...all i needed, a happy little family. Sometimes its all i want, I just want to go back to that. And to know the reason things are different is my fault. I could have prevented all of this, but i didnt. and i cant go back.

 There is always, always time for a person to grow and learn. And I will be the first to admitt I have so so so much to learn in this life. And each and every day I learn something from this precious face...
I've learned that the mistakes i've made cannot be taken back, but that i seriously need to use them. Use them to my advantage as a tool , a reminder that that is NOT me. That I will not let my mistakes define me. That I have so much to prove to people. I am not who people make me out to be. I am better every single day.

Learn from your mistakes. This sentence gets abused in my opinion, how do you really learn from your mistakes? By just not doing them again?....I dont think so. I dont believe by avoiding a problem you've made in your life is the way to learn. You have to face it. Face your problems, own up to what you've done, and CHANGE it. Dont hide from it. And yes, its easier said than done, im learning that too.

I apologize for being so depressing in my posts lately but it helps me. I need to not let it stay bottled up inside me, because i'm better at expressing my feelings when I can write/type it than going and telling someone and bawling my eyes out. Plus I think im still in that stage where I hide how I really feel. I dont want people to know im hurting. Its awkward. And I dont like that kind of attention from people. So anyways......

One of my best friends from highschool had her baby the other day and I can't explain the excitement I had for her. I could not get to the hospital fast enough! Ada Mae McFadden, how precious is she right?

........then the feelings of having tayzli came all hit me so hard. As i left the hospital I felt sick. I could barely walk. I went home and (though i also had the stomach flu) I cried all night. I miss this. Being alone is hard. And I'm jealous of the happy families and the new additions they are bringing to the world, but I am so happy for all of you dont get me wrong. You all deserve it. So congratulations if i haven't told you already.

Thursday, November 03, 2011


How ironic is it that lately I cant help but think of all the things I am thankful for and Thanksgiving is just around the corner? Its sad that I seem to do this more around Thanksgiving, I realize I need to be thankful for everything I have, all year round!
I love this quote. It really made me think. . Things are still crazy for me. And the main reason for this post was to say thank you to all of YOU!!! I'm serious.... the messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails i've received just to let me know you are there for me and all the other things said that I dont even feel like I deserve has helped me so much. You really dont know what it means to me. Some of those little things are what get me through the day, especially when I'm having a really bad day...I can honestly read something one of you wrote me and I am reminded how lucky I am to have amazing people in my life. I know I haven't written any of you back but I hope you know that your words did NOT go un-noticed. Its almost overwhelming, I didn't even realize I had so many people that care for and love me. It's the most comforting feeling knowing I have you all there for me through this rough patch in my life. Seriously, Thank you all so much.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Be strong

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning...and company doesn't always mean security.And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure. You really are strong. you really do have worth....and you learn....and you learn.....with every goodbye, you learn...