loving, learning, and growing...

Lately I feel like i've been extremely biploar, one second im thankful for everything I have and the next i'm wondering why me? Why is all of this happening to me? I'm trying. I really am. One minute I feel like I have so much support from everyone, and the next I feel alone.

 With the holidays coming I can't help but just feel down...thinking back to last year at this time I felt like i was at the top of the world, I had it all....well...all i needed, a happy little family. Sometimes its all i want, I just want to go back to that. And to know the reason things are different is my fault. I could have prevented all of this, but i didnt. and i cant go back.

 There is always, always time for a person to grow and learn. And I will be the first to admitt I have so so so much to learn in this life. And each and every day I learn something from this precious face...

I've learned that the mistakes i've made cannot be taken back, but that i seriously need to use them. Use them to my advantage as a tool , a reminder that that is NOT me. That I will not let my mistakes define me. That I have so much to prove to people. I am not who people make me out to be. I am better every single day.

Learn from your mistakes. This sentence gets abused in my opinion, how do you really learn from your mistakes? By just not doing them again?....I dont think so. I dont believe by avoiding a problem you've made in your life is the way to learn. You have to face it. Face your problems, own up to what you've done, and CHANGE it. Dont hide from it. And yes, its easier said than done, im learning that too.

I apologize for being so depressing in my posts lately but it helps me. I need to not let it stay bottled up inside me, because i'm better at expressing my feelings when I can write/type it than going and telling someone and bawling my eyes out. Plus I think im still in that stage where I hide how I really feel. I dont want people to know im hurting. Its awkward. And I dont like that kind of attention from people. So anyways......

One of my best friends from highschool had her baby the other day and I can't explain the excitement I had for her. I could not get to the hospital fast enough! Ada Mae McFadden, how precious is she right?

........then the feelings of having tayzli came back...memories....it all hit me so hard. As i left the hospital I felt sick. I could barely walk. I went home and (though i also had the stomach flu) I cried all night. I miss this. Being alone is hard. And I'm jealous of the happy families and the new additions they are bringing to the world, but I am so happy for all of you dont get me wrong. You all deserve it. So congratulations if i haven't told you already.