Be strong

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning...and company doesn't always mean security.And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure. You really are strong. you really do have worth....and you learn....and you learn.....with every goodbye, you learn...

A little venting

Lets face it here.....I'm having a really hard time. I can't pretend like I'm not. I cant lie and say I'm doing great. I can't smile without wanting to break down at the same time. I just do my best to not let it show. It's not that I want to go back to the way things were, I know this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. People say time heals all things, and I do agree with that. But at the same time it seems like this process is getting harder and harder to deal with everyday. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to do this.

I am frightened, frightened to death of losing my little girl. I hate fighting over her but its reached that point. And I will literally fight to the death for her, life without her now just wouldn't make sense. We have spent every single day together since the day she was born and I dont think its fair that it should change now. No....I am not the greatest mom/person in the world. I've made many mistakes and made very poor choices but I am trying my best to learn from them and grow into a better mother and person. I hate that my bad decisions are being held against me. And to those people I've offended or made mad in any way I truly am sorry, I want to start over now. I want to be better, and I WILL be. I know Tayzli deserves the best, she deserves someone to look up to, and someone she can always count on. I do believe I have the potential to be that person for her. And I will do everything in my power to strive to be that for her at all times. Like I said in the post before I believe in her having a good relationship with both parents, I could go on and on about things Jori has done and why I dont like him but its a waste of time and energy. I dont need to prove things that clearly just dont matter. What matters to me and is important is Tayzli and that she is getting the very best of every little thing, every second of her life. I don't want to take her from him one bit. He deserves time with her....she needs her dad. Why is it that just because our split is going to be "official" should I all of a sudden have to give her up? Give her up to someone that hasn't given more than one day a months effort to be with her? So many things are going through my head, I feel like I've done everything for Tayzli and now I have to fight to keep her. I'm just frustrated. I don't know what to do. I hate going through this and I give props to all single mothers and fathers out there. People tell me it gets easier and I hope and pray it does. Having this happen gives me a giant shove and is showing me that its time to change my ways. That's exactly what I am going to do. So expect a good change in me;)

Time

Time goes by so fast!! Of course there are those days that I thought would never end, but it really does blow my mind how fast time comes and goes. I've been thinking a lot lately about time, and how I've taken for granted the time I have been able to spend with Tayzli. I hear all these horror stories about parents losing their child/ren and it scares me to death. I know I could not live without my little girl. She is the reason I wake up every morning and want to be better. I know I need to be more thankful for such a healthy little girl. Another thing I've thought about is how much more I need to blog about her and take SO many more pictures. You can never have enough pictures.

Something I have really been struggling with going through this divorce is Tayzli. Its hard. Knowing the life she will have having to go back and fourth all the time. As much as people like to talk and make up stories I truly do believe in Tayzli having both Jori and I in her life. I have never EVER tried keeping her from him. And I never will. I'm not that crazy mother that keeps her child from seeing her own dad. As much as I would love to keep her to myself 24/7 I think Tayzli's relationship with her dad is just as important as my relationship with her. And I need to let that out because I am so sick of people saying untrue things. I dont agree with things Jori does, just as much as he doesnt agree with things that I do. But I have nothing bad to say about him....especially not in front of Tayz. What is important is that we get along for her. She doesn't need the drama of our relationship to effect her in any way shape or form. So you know who you are, enough with the negative drama. Tayzli IS jori's daughter and its ridiculous to still joke about stupid crap like that because it effects Tayzli more than it does me. Obviously Im beyond the point of caring what you guys say about me, but just realize what it does to her. I dont say anything about Jori to Tayz besides letting her know he loves her and that he is her daddy and always will be. Just think about what really matters, thats all im asking.

Alright so i've been looking back old pictures....Tayzer has changed so much!!

SUCH A CUTIE, RIGHT? I miss the baby stage...its so much easier taking care of a baby that cant move, that totally depends on me to do everything for her.

I compare these pictures and I wonder where in the world time went. When did my baby get so big? Why is she growing up so fast? Where is the pause button? I love her with everything I have. I would do anything for her, and will fight for her in any and every situation. Im so blessed to be able to have her in my life! She has helped me grow as a person and taught me so much about life.

I thought about having to raise Tayzli on my own and realized I couldn't do it. And luckily to a certain extent I dont have to....I have the help from AMAZING friends and family that help me every single day. Even without them knowing they help me, they do. I know I keep saying this but I really have SO much to be thankful for!!!!

Life as we know it

I'm very determined to keep up with my blogging, I want to be able to look back at things and remember how I felt. So here I go again with another post;)

Alright so dont get too freaked out by all these pictures because im only in a bikini...some people really dont understand this type of competition but i love it and im officially addicted!

Life for me has been NONSTOP, I work a night shift as a cna from 10pm-7am so I dont have to pay for a daycare for tayzli, I just recently competed in a fitness show(more details to come) so I was going to the gym 2-3 times a day for 2 hours on average each time. AND I am a full time mom....i'd like to say im pretty darn busy! But I wouldnt have it any other way, its helped me cope with a lot of my stress. I dont have time for any drama or negative things or people in my life.

 Now speaking of NO drama or negative people I have to brag about the new friends I've made along the way...
AmberLynne Palmer- she literally is the best! I've never met someone who has so much positive energy! She is always willing to lend a hand whenever and to whoever. She made  my competition experience so much easier and less stressful. Just being able to see her pretty smile calmed my nerves! And being able to have someone at the gym to do our crazy cardio workouts also made it easier. I love the way she can and WILL turn anyones bad day into a good one just by being around her. What an amazing chicka!

Jake Motloch- Well he is defitely no new friend. He's always been there for me, but we seem to be closer than we have ever been. I love that I can tell this kid anything and everything(and i do) His friendship means the world to me, and even when hes clear across the country for work he still proves that he will always be there for me. Love ya Jake!

Buck Mouser- Another new friend, what an awesome guy!! All I have to say is thank goodness for him. Seriously, he went through a rough divorce and has three kids....he has been so much help to me. Talking to him about my situation has been the best thing for me because there was a time I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else about it. But he understood. He makes me feel like I am the most important thing on this planet, and the patience, belief and support he has for me is incredible. I appreciate him for being the shoulder to cry on, and the punching bag to take my anger out on. ;) Thanks Buck<3

Cassy Freeman- Everything that I've accomplished the last few months is because of her. She deserves all the credit. I look up to her, she motivates me, inspires me, and also is an amazing friend to me. Without her I wouldn't have been able to compete. She is the reason I look the way I do, and the reason I feel the way I feel. Just being around her can put anyone in a better mood. I love you to pieces Cassy!

Mom- Where do I even start? I am almost speechless when it comes to you because there is a never-ending list of why I'm grateful for you and why I love you. I remember in highschool I told you to stop trying to be my friend and be my mom....well here I am telling you I was wrong. You are both. You are the greatest best friend. And and incredible mother. How lucky am I to have that kind of relationship with my mom? Thanks for always believing in me!

Emma Hughes- I couldn't forget about her. She's closer than family. I love how we can live 5 hours away from each other and still be as close as we are, its definitely hard not being able to text her and tell her to come over and she would be here in 5 minutes but its a feeling of knowing we always have each others backs. That we are there for each other emotionally, not just physically. We can go a couple days without talking and it doesnt effect our relationship, because the next time we talk or get together its like nothing has changed. Ever since we were little we knew we would always be best friends.

Back to the competition....I recently competed in the 2011 Flex Fitness Competition in Twin Falls Oct 8th and NGA Northwest Natural Fall Show Oct 15. And can I just say it is SOOO much fun!! Being backstage with 50 gorgeous girls is probably the most intimidating feeling in the world, but there is no better feeling once you can hit that stage and just strut your stuff. The judges will either love you or hate you so you gotta just be yourself. This was hard for me because im such a perfectionist that I wanted to correct every little thing that the judges didnt like but then I realized I gotta be me. I placed 3rd in both competitions and I am more than satisfied with that, coming into this I did not expect to even make top five at either of these so yes, pat my own back, i'm proud of myself. At the twin falls show I was the only first time competitor to make it into top 5, and obviously, the only first time competitior to make top 3! I am still so excited about it but plan on making some improvements and coming back even stronger to compete again this spring! Thanks to everyone who came to support me, and even those who couldnt make it...it meant so much to me having the support from back home. Everyone at the gym makes me feel so good! Love you all and thanks again........now i'll stop ranting and you can enjoy some pics;)

just the two of us

As most of you already know, or have heard, and as awkward as it is to publicly post something like this.....Jori and I have decided to get a divorce. Its been really hard. Never in my life have I had sooo many mixed emotions. Ive felt alone, and I've also felt more love and support from amazing people in my life. I feel like I was going through some type of depression for a while there, I didn't want to do anything, be around anyone, and wouldn't talk to anyone. I was alone and needed to deal with it. Then finally one day I realized that this was NOT the life i wanted for me, and not for Tayzli. I stopped feeling bad for myself and wanted to look forward instead of looking back. Although its still not easy to deal with every day....it gets easier. And although im not happy.....im happier. Being a single mother is difficult but Ive been blessed with incredible parents that have helped me more than i can even express. I love all my friends and family and hope you all know how appreciative I am of each one of you. Just saying hi to me one day honestly is what I needed sometimes. I'm a lucky girl....and its time i start acting like it ;)

Tayzli is now 15 months old. Can you believe it? I know i cant! She is so much fun and I LOOOVE being her mommy! Life without her is no life at all. We are doing our best to live life to the fullest, I know its a process, it just takes time. I can be indepent, I can do this! Just gotta keep reminding myself!