A little venting

Lets face it here.....I'm having a really hard time. I can't pretend like I'm not. I cant lie and say I'm doing great. I can't smile without wanting to break down at the same time. I just do my best to not let it show. It's not that I want to go back to the way things were, I know this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. People say time heals all things, and I do agree with that. But at the same time it seems like this process is getting harder and harder to deal with everyday. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to do this.

I am frightened, frightened to death of losing my little girl. I hate fighting over her but its reached that point. And I will literally fight to the death for her, life without her now just wouldn't make sense. We have spent every single day together since the day she was born and I dont think its fair that it should change now. No....I am not the greatest mom/person in the world. I've made many mistakes and made very poor choices but I am trying my best to learn from them and grow into a better mother and person. I hate that my bad decisions are being held against me. And to those people I've offended or made mad in any way I truly am sorry, I want to start over now. I want to be better, and I WILL be. I know Tayzli deserves the best, she deserves someone to look up to, and someone she can always count on. I do believe I have the potential to be that person for her. And I will do everything in my power to strive to be that for her at all times. Like I said in the post before I believe in her having a good relationship with both parents, I could go on and on about things Jori has done and why I dont like him but its a waste of time and energy. I dont need to prove things that clearly just dont matter. What matters to me and is important is Tayzli and that she is getting the very best of every little thing, every second of her life. I don't want to take her from him one bit. He deserves time with her....she needs her dad. Why is it that just because our split is going to be "official" should I all of a sudden have to give her up? Give her up to someone that hasn't given more than one day a months effort to be with her? So many things are going through my head, I feel like I've done everything for Tayzli and now I have to fight to keep her. I'm just frustrated. I don't know what to do. I hate going through this and I give props to all single mothers and fathers out there. People tell me it gets easier and I hope and pray it does. Having this happen gives me a giant shove and is showing me that its time to change my ways. That's exactly what I am going to do. So expect a good change in me;)