love....its all we ever need

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no disease that enough love will not heal. No door that enough love will not open...it makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world..♥

LOVE-  Jori and I may not have a lot in common or agree on anything anymore, but I know the one thing Jori and I can and will always share is the love we both have for our daughter. No matter what time it is, no matter what month it is, no matter where we are, doesn't matter if i have her, doesnt matter if he has her....we just love her. And this is something i can confidently say I can always offer to Tayzli, she is loved. I hope she never forgets it either.

I have a lot of time to just think about things while i'm at work, because i'm the only one whos their all night long. And last night was one of those nights where I just felt overwhelmed. Thinking about all the bad things that could go wrong for me in this divorce, all the what if's. The realization is finally settling in that this is really happening, we are finally going through with this.

As I'm thinking about it and over and over again in my head, wondering how im going to do this, i stop and think.....wait....I am doing this, I am doing this whole single mom thing. I'm stronger every single day and I really am going to be okay.

 I'll admitt, not every day is an okay day for me. I still fight the tears, but its good to cry sometimes. I still have to tell myself giving up is not the answer, all I have to do is look around me and see that life is still great. I'm surrounded by more good than bad.

God doesn't give you any trial you can't overcome, I've heard this from so many people lately. And I guess I just didn't take it serious before. Just took it as another one of those things that people like to say to make others feel better. But I do believe it. And it is something I tell myself every day now, when I think about the outcome of what happens with Tayzli I know that it will be okay for me. It might be hard, but i will get through this because i know i can.

I'm facing my problems, seeing how amazing it is to be able to own up to what i've done. Coming clean and being honest is one of the best feelings in the world. It's a relief. Its a million bricks off of my back that I've carried around for too long. I've stopped blaming others for the bad in my life. I'm understanding that the things that have gone wrong, the bad in my life were once in my control. I could have made things different for me. I chose this for myself. And I am the one who gets to suffer the consequences. That's life.

 I'm learning how to be a better person, a better friend, and a better mom. And I will strive to turn my life around for the better, prove that change in others is possible, show the people in my life how much I love them instead of take them for granted. No more looking down on a person....unless i'm looking down on them to help them up. 

i cant get enough of you...♥

I feel like I've been doing a good job with my blogging, wouldn't you agree? At least I'm doing better than I thought, and i'm expressing myself in a way I didn't know I could either. And I plan to keep it up....keep all of you updated with all the craziness in my life;)

Ohhhhh yes....Tayzli got into my make-up. Mascara to be exact, but how can you get mad at a face like that? Especially because after she does something she knows she shouldnt she points her finger at me, gives me the puppy dog eyes, and says "no no ma!"

 This picture right here is exactly why  (even if i wanted to) I CANT keep tayzli from jori's family. Even after a little fighting and drama I can't talk myself into just ignoring them like everyone says I should. Believe me, there are those moments I want to be that psycho lady saying you cant have my child. I dont want to have to explain to tayzli in a few years (when she understands) why I didn't let her see Jori's family. I cant live with myself keeping her from them, and would never jepordize tayzli thinking bad things about me in the future because of it. But i admitt, most normal moms would avoid them like crazy,  but i guess im just not normal. I can actually talk to Jori's family, just not him. At least not yet.

 Surprisingly I did very well with letting Jori's family take Tayzli on Thanksgiving day for a few hours, especially knowing that its on my time. Because Jori no longer lives in Idaho, I actually dont know where he is. Or exactly when he left. No goodbye to Tayzli or anything. But I think Im handling it pretty well...and I think jori knows that the best thing is for him to move too. Its too small of a town to be dealing with all of this. I dont blame him for leaving, if i could just up and leave, i probably would too. i only wish i was getting a little help from him. But I guess we do what we've gotta do sometimes, right?

 Okay I have to admitt, she could pull this face a million times and I would still love it! I'm sure one day it will get old but for now im taking picutre after picture;) my gorgeous little tayzer face.

Right now I'm having a hard time leaving the house, not because I dont want to or becuase I'm not able to pretend to be having a good time. But because I am literally being watched by everyone. i feel like I can't have a conversation with a friend without someone saying im all of a sudden dating someone new, or I cant go to dinner without people judging me if i dont have tayzli with me. I caught someone taking a picture of me while I was at dinner with a group of friends. It embarrasses me to go out now. I feel like I can't trust anyone, I dont tell people things because I'm afraid of what they might say when I turn my back. People gossip, i realize this but somehow I need to realize that what other people say doesn't matter because only I know how it really is and what is really going on.

 Tayzli is my world and I love every second with her...but I get exhausted too. I need a little break sometimes too. And even if its to go on a drive through back roads, i'll do it. Even if its to go to the gym to run my butt off, i'll do it. You don't realize how easy it is to just be able to ask your husband/wife if they will watch the kids while you have "me time"

I have received quite a bit of negative things the last week or so, but I've also received SOO many positive words from people that I have come to the conclusion that I need to not focus on those negative things. Don't let the negative drown out the positive. I'm still here, I still have so much to be grateful for.

"a successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her..."

everything will be okay

At times...I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to get ready, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be around anyone, I just want to hide away from everyone and everything. Letting go of someone you once thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is really hard. The thought of what I wish we could have been runs through my head daily. I know that's not what I should be doing, but i can't help it. I know its not about what could have been because thats not reality. Together was not what we thought it would be nor what we wanted it to be. People say we will both be happier and its just the right thing to do... but its hard to see myself being truly happy again. I do tell myself these things....."I'll be happier when its all done and over with," "I know its the right thing for all of us" but do i really feel that way? I dont know that I'll be happier, I just hope that I will be. All I can say is that everything will be okay for tayzli and I. Life will work out and I will try to live my life to the fullest no matter what is going on.

 I realize I am overly dramatic with my blogging lately. There are a lot worse things that could be happening in my life. People go through this every single day. When I blog, is when I'm at my worst. Im really not miserable every second of the day. I'm doing okay, just struggling. I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I know that. I just like to let out my feelings, I used to hold them in too long and realized it was bad because I would let it all build up inside me until i'd just lose it. Well let me tell you right now, I am NOT going to lose it. I have so much going for me if i can keep it together.

Love this quote. I know I'm a strong person, I just have weak moments. I know I need to stop listening to the opinion of others and not let it bother me. Everyone struggles, everyone is going through somethinig and I know even I need to remind myself of this. Dont judge people because you really dont know what they are going through. I think we need to all reach out to someone, surround yourself with happy people. Be with people that are going to bring out the positive in your life and be a good influence to you. And in return....be that good influence on someone. Be someone's positive energy in their life. We all need it.

loving, learning, and growing...

Lately I feel like i've been extremely biploar, one second im thankful for everything I have and the next i'm wondering why me? Why is all of this happening to me? I'm trying. I really am. One minute I feel like I have so much support from everyone, and the next I feel alone.

 With the holidays coming I can't help but just feel down...thinking back to last year at this time I felt like i was at the top of the world, I had it all....well...all i needed, a happy little family. Sometimes its all i want, I just want to go back to that. And to know the reason things are different is my fault. I could have prevented all of this, but i didnt. and i cant go back.

 There is always, always time for a person to grow and learn. And I will be the first to admitt I have so so so much to learn in this life. And each and every day I learn something from this precious face...

I've learned that the mistakes i've made cannot be taken back, but that i seriously need to use them. Use them to my advantage as a tool , a reminder that that is NOT me. That I will not let my mistakes define me. That I have so much to prove to people. I am not who people make me out to be. I am better every single day.

Learn from your mistakes. This sentence gets abused in my opinion, how do you really learn from your mistakes? By just not doing them again?....I dont think so. I dont believe by avoiding a problem you've made in your life is the way to learn. You have to face it. Face your problems, own up to what you've done, and CHANGE it. Dont hide from it. And yes, its easier said than done, im learning that too.

I apologize for being so depressing in my posts lately but it helps me. I need to not let it stay bottled up inside me, because i'm better at expressing my feelings when I can write/type it than going and telling someone and bawling my eyes out. Plus I think im still in that stage where I hide how I really feel. I dont want people to know im hurting. Its awkward. And I dont like that kind of attention from people. So anyways......

One of my best friends from highschool had her baby the other day and I can't explain the excitement I had for her. I could not get to the hospital fast enough! Ada Mae McFadden, how precious is she right?

........then the feelings of having tayzli came back...memories....it all hit me so hard. As i left the hospital I felt sick. I could barely walk. I went home and (though i also had the stomach flu) I cried all night. I miss this. Being alone is hard. And I'm jealous of the happy families and the new additions they are bringing to the world, but I am so happy for all of you dont get me wrong. You all deserve it. So congratulations if i haven't told you already.

THANK YOU!

How ironic is it that lately I cant help but think of all the things I am thankful for and Thanksgiving is just around the corner? Its sad that I seem to do this more around Thanksgiving, I realize I need to be thankful for everything I have, all year round!

I love this quote. It really made me think. . Things are still crazy for me. And the main reason for this post was to say thank you to all of YOU!!! I'm serious.... the messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails i've received just to let me know you are there for me and all the other things said that I dont even feel like I deserve has helped me so much. You really dont know what it means to me. Some of those little things are what get me through the day, especially when I'm having a really bad day...I can honestly read something one of you wrote me and I am reminded how lucky I am to have amazing people in my life. I know I haven't written any of you back but I hope you know that your words did NOT go un-noticed. Its almost overwhelming, I didn't even realize I had so many people that care for and love me. It's the most comforting feeling knowing I have you all there for me through this rough patch in my life. Seriously, Thank you all so much.

Be strong

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning...and company doesn't always mean security.And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure. You really are strong. you really do have worth....and you learn....and you learn.....with every goodbye, you learn...

A little venting

Lets face it here.....I'm having a really hard time. I can't pretend like I'm not. I cant lie and say I'm doing great. I can't smile without wanting to break down at the same time. I just do my best to not let it show. It's not that I want to go back to the way things were, I know this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. People say time heals all things, and I do agree with that. But at the same time it seems like this process is getting harder and harder to deal with everyday. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to do this.

I am frightened, frightened to death of losing my little girl. I hate fighting over her but its reached that point. And I will literally fight to the death for her, life without her now just wouldn't make sense. We have spent every single day together since the day she was born and I dont think its fair that it should change now. No....I am not the greatest mom/person in the world. I've made many mistakes and made very poor choices but I am trying my best to learn from them and grow into a better mother and person. I hate that my bad decisions are being held against me. And to those people I've offended or made mad in any way I truly am sorry, I want to start over now. I want to be better, and I WILL be. I know Tayzli deserves the best, she deserves someone to look up to, and someone she can always count on. I do believe I have the potential to be that person for her. And I will do everything in my power to strive to be that for her at all times. Like I said in the post before I believe in her having a good relationship with both parents, I could go on and on about things Jori has done and why I dont like him but its a waste of time and energy. I dont need to prove things that clearly just dont matter. What matters to me and is important is Tayzli and that she is getting the very best of every little thing, every second of her life. I don't want to take her from him one bit. He deserves time with her....she needs her dad. Why is it that just because our split is going to be "official" should I all of a sudden have to give her up? Give her up to someone that hasn't given more than one day a months effort to be with her? So many things are going through my head, I feel like I've done everything for Tayzli and now I have to fight to keep her. I'm just frustrated. I don't know what to do. I hate going through this and I give props to all single mothers and fathers out there. People tell me it gets easier and I hope and pray it does. Having this happen gives me a giant shove and is showing me that its time to change my ways. That's exactly what I am going to do. So expect a good change in me;)

Time

Time goes by so fast!! Of course there are those days that I thought would never end, but it really does blow my mind how fast time comes and goes. I've been thinking a lot lately about time, and how I've taken for granted the time I have been able to spend with Tayzli. I hear all these horror stories about parents losing their child/ren and it scares me to death. I know I could not live without my little girl. She is the reason I wake up every morning and want to be better. I know I need to be more thankful for such a healthy little girl. Another thing I've thought about is how much more I need to blog about her and take SO many more pictures. You can never have enough pictures.

Something I have really been struggling with going through this divorce is Tayzli. Its hard. Knowing the life she will have having to go back and fourth all the time. As much as people like to talk and make up stories I truly do believe in Tayzli having both Jori and I in her life. I have never EVER tried keeping her from him. And I never will. I'm not that crazy mother that keeps her child from seeing her own dad. As much as I would love to keep her to myself 24/7 I think Tayzli's relationship with her dad is just as important as my relationship with her. And I need to let that out because I am so sick of people saying untrue things. I dont agree with things Jori does, just as much as he doesnt agree with things that I do. But I have nothing bad to say about him....especially not in front of Tayz. What is important is that we get along for her. She doesn't need the drama of our relationship to effect her in any way shape or form. So you know who you are, enough with the negative drama. Tayzli IS jori's daughter and its ridiculous to still joke about stupid crap like that because it effects Tayzli more than it does me. Obviously Im beyond the point of caring what you guys say about me, but just realize what it does to her. I dont say anything about Jori to Tayz besides letting her know he loves her and that he is her daddy and always will be. Just think about what really matters, thats all im asking.

Alright so i've been looking back old pictures....Tayzer has changed so much!!

SUCH A CUTIE, RIGHT? I miss the baby stage...its so much easier taking care of a baby that cant move, that totally depends on me to do everything for her.

I compare these pictures and I wonder where in the world time went. When did my baby get so big? Why is she growing up so fast? Where is the pause button? I love her with everything I have. I would do anything for her, and will fight for her in any and every situation. Im so blessed to be able to have her in my life! She has helped me grow as a person and taught me so much about life.

I thought about having to raise Tayzli on my own and realized I couldn't do it. And luckily to a certain extent I dont have to....I have the help from AMAZING friends and family that help me every single day. Even without them knowing they help me, they do. I know I keep saying this but I really have SO much to be thankful for!!!!

Life as we know it

I'm very determined to keep up with my blogging, I want to be able to look back at things and remember how I felt. So here I go again with another post;)

Alright so dont get too freaked out by all these pictures because im only in a bikini...some people really dont understand this type of competition but i love it and im officially addicted!

Life for me has been NONSTOP, I work a night shift as a cna from 10pm-7am so I dont have to pay for a daycare for tayzli, I just recently competed in a fitness show(more details to come) so I was going to the gym 2-3 times a day for 2 hours on average each time. AND I am a full time mom....i'd like to say im pretty darn busy! But I wouldnt have it any other way, its helped me cope with a lot of my stress. I dont have time for any drama or negative things or people in my life.

 Now speaking of NO drama or negative people I have to brag about the new friends I've made along the way...
AmberLynne Palmer- she literally is the best! I've never met someone who has so much positive energy! She is always willing to lend a hand whenever and to whoever. She made  my competition experience so much easier and less stressful. Just being able to see her pretty smile calmed my nerves! And being able to have someone at the gym to do our crazy cardio workouts also made it easier. I love the way she can and WILL turn anyones bad day into a good one just by being around her. What an amazing chicka!

Jake Motloch- Well he is defitely no new friend. He's always been there for me, but we seem to be closer than we have ever been. I love that I can tell this kid anything and everything(and i do) His friendship means the world to me, and even when hes clear across the country for work he still proves that he will always be there for me. Love ya Jake!

Buck Mouser- Another new friend, what an awesome guy!! All I have to say is thank goodness for him. Seriously, he went through a rough divorce and has three kids....he has been so much help to me. Talking to him about my situation has been the best thing for me because there was a time I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else about it. But he understood. He makes me feel like I am the most important thing on this planet, and the patience, belief and support he has for me is incredible. I appreciate him for being the shoulder to cry on, and the punching bag to take my anger out on. ;) Thanks Buck<3

Cassy Freeman- Everything that I've accomplished the last few months is because of her. She deserves all the credit. I look up to her, she motivates me, inspires me, and also is an amazing friend to me. Without her I wouldn't have been able to compete. She is the reason I look the way I do, and the reason I feel the way I feel. Just being around her can put anyone in a better mood. I love you to pieces Cassy!

Mom- Where do I even start? I am almost speechless when it comes to you because there is a never-ending list of why I'm grateful for you and why I love you. I remember in highschool I told you to stop trying to be my friend and be my mom....well here I am telling you I was wrong. You are both. You are the greatest best friend. And and incredible mother. How lucky am I to have that kind of relationship with my mom? Thanks for always believing in me!

Emma Hughes- I couldn't forget about her. She's closer than family. I love how we can live 5 hours away from each other and still be as close as we are, its definitely hard not being able to text her and tell her to come over and she would be here in 5 minutes but its a feeling of knowing we always have each others backs. That we are there for each other emotionally, not just physically. We can go a couple days without talking and it doesnt effect our relationship, because the next time we talk or get together its like nothing has changed. Ever since we were little we knew we would always be best friends.

Back to the competition....I recently competed in the 2011 Flex Fitness Competition in Twin Falls Oct 8th and NGA Northwest Natural Fall Show Oct 15. And can I just say it is SOOO much fun!! Being backstage with 50 gorgeous girls is probably the most intimidating feeling in the world, but there is no better feeling once you can hit that stage and just strut your stuff. The judges will either love you or hate you so you gotta just be yourself. This was hard for me because im such a perfectionist that I wanted to correct every little thing that the judges didnt like but then I realized I gotta be me. I placed 3rd in both competitions and I am more than satisfied with that, coming into this I did not expect to even make top five at either of these so yes, pat my own back, i'm proud of myself. At the twin falls show I was the only first time competitor to make it into top 5, and obviously, the only first time competitior to make top 3! I am still so excited about it but plan on making some improvements and coming back even stronger to compete again this spring! Thanks to everyone who came to support me, and even those who couldnt make it...it meant so much to me having the support from back home. Everyone at the gym makes me feel so good! Love you all and thanks again........now i'll stop ranting and you can enjoy some pics;)